Too Much Thinking and “I Don’t Know”

Well, it’s been a while since I use this blog. Ah, I don’t know what I have to write in here.

But, maybe it’s a ‘new start’, I think.

Well, my activities just a usual. So usual. So I got boring with all that stuff.

At morning I wake up and get ready to the college, listen the teacher ‘speech’, writing (or draw) something on my paper, eat, gossip with buds, bla bla bla. And yeah, finally, I got the cusp of boredom, specially at night, at home when I’m not doing nothing. Like now.

And from that, I knew that I was the person who loves to move, just some activities. If I just sit around, I’ll get boring.

So I really need to do something–I mean not just walking around, buy some stuff (even it makes my feeling better, well, I’m a girl), but something. And so I’m thinking; “what I want to do? Something that have meaning”

First, practice tennis like a pro, yes, I want to following some match. But I know, at my age is not to “start” anymore, moreover to become pro.

Second, finish my story. Yap, I used to writing since I’m in junior high (or senior high maybe?) and when it, my imagination was so ‘smoothly’, you know? I’m not always stuck. But now, I don’t know, but when I did writing the ex. like prolog, then I can’t bring the story to the conflict, or bring the conflict to the conclusion. It made me frustration, I admit.

Third, hmm playing violin more often. But well, yeah… you know? No? You don’t know? Well, let it be…

Fourth, So what else? Hmm, Oh! Yeah, painting. I don’t know but I want to try. A small canvas and some acrylic paint. Or make some baked potato.

Fifth, after my Mom trigger some idea about making a small room above my bedroom for keep my books there, yes a small library special for me. That Idea always on my mind. I don’t know if Mom just some talking and won’t do nothing but I want to make it real, my own (small) library. I know Mom (and Dad) can bring that my new dream to become real but I think there’s more something to thinking more first. But, oh Allah, one full wall I’ll use to keep the books from ceiling to the floor, and that floor will covered with a thick red comfortable carpet, and on the other side there is a easychair (since long ago I always want chair like ‘chair’ who’s belonging to my cousin–and now is somewhere). On the other wall side, will be not a ordinary wall but covered with window, big window which is reach from ceiling to the floor (yap, like books wall) so the sunlight can enter the room and can minimize the use of lights (light just for night). I know, I will be comfort will all that stuff and yeah, maybe I can spend the whole day in there. But I’m thinking again, I don’t know but I’m thinking that after I graduate from college I will searching for job and have a house then married then I move away from my parents home. And it make me feeling like deplore if ‘I’ make that special room but after couple years I’ll go away. Isn’t waste? Why I didn’t make that special room on my–future–own house? Yeah, I know, It’s need couple years. For many years. I told my Mom like that and she said (I’m not sure the really word is but the point is), “Yeah, let it be.” The point is Mom allow me to ‘make’ that special room. But, once again, I think it will not happen. Ah, I hate being pessimist!

Sixth, what else? Oh! Flight attendant. Yeah, I told my Mom, who was ever aspire to become air hostess, that if I’m not get a job immediately, I want to follow the training to become flight attendant. But Dad tell me that I have to go straight to S2 (what? Magister or what?) after graduate. But yeah, future… don’t know what will happen, rite?

Seventh, being fashion blogger or stuff like that? I know I have interested in fashion but it often just standard. And I’m not that so fashionable.

Eight, go abroad? I want. I want to Europe. One of my best friend, told me that her friend is after on Europe, visit some cities in there. I really want it. But I’m worried that my english is worse. Can it happen? Not yet my grammar is so bad (so I’m sorry for this writing, ‘k and of course with help from goo*le translate hihi so sorry with my grammar). This writing is my practice, actually. In my daily life, I’m not using english so I’m worried if my english ability decreased.

Ninth, …. what else? I have no idea.

Well, after I’m thinking again, again, and again why I’m like this, feeling like something less. Well I think I know the answer; is I need to looking my passion is. Yeah, I don’t know what my passion. Many people said, “my passion is in music,” “my fashion is my passion,” “cooking is my passion”, so what my passion is?

I don’t know.

I know I looveees reading novels, comics but lately I feel it’s not enough anymore. After I’m finished one comic or novel, I’m feeling empty. (Finally I said that word). Really empty. Then I’m thinking, “what can I do? To make this (my) life is more meaningful?” I just felt that my life is just that’s it, y’ know? Just itu-itu saja.

I want something meaningful in my life, I want feeling something, I want… I want… I want… what? Again, I don’t know.


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